Dear Tom,
First of all, congratulations on your engagement. Third time's a charm, right? ha ha...(This is the third, right?-You crazy celebs, sometimes I lose count.)
Anyway....
Mimi, Nicole, and yes, even Katie and I are concerned, and feel we need to clear some things up.
And you should know, while Mimi is a tad older, you and I are the same age (ok, I am six months older, you won't turn 43 until July, right?) So, I have some perspective, okay, the out gay perspective of a man of your age (not saying you are gay, Tom. That question has become as tired and worn as Paris Hilton's cell phone list. It was titillating circa 1990, but has now slipped into the passé column. There are more current, less protesting hunks to fantasize over-say, Christian Bale or Brandon Routh...yum yum!).
So, as a friend with said perspective, skewed or not, I want to share some things with you.
Come, follow me into the privacy of the downstairs entry.....
First of all, it's admirable that you have kept up your looks. The Entertainment Weekly spread last week was pretty hot, I give you that. It's nice to see any man take an interest in his grooming. (Paging Brad Pitt, please pickup the courtesy phone..).
To think if I hadn't gone into the record
store to buy the new CD by Garbage, I wouldn't have received my unsolicited trial subscription to EW, which, after Russell Crowe and now you, SOME people are calling "The magazine of insufferable bores." Ha ha...people are funny.... Just so we both know, Shirley Manson is to blame for me writing to you today..ha ha..but I digress....The cover quote is clever: "Some people don't like to see other people happy. If they don't like it, fuck them." Of course on the cover "fuck" is replaced by the cartoonish "@#*!!". Wouldn't want to piss off the Dobsonites, right? You should know that most of us just want to see you happy. And some of us just want you to shut the hell up. Kidding...ha ha...funny, funny people....
Let's see...I believe I'll start with the Oprah appearance. You do realize on TV talk shows, they don't normally have repeated take after take to get the scripted lines correct? And they're going to keep that irritatingly high laugh. Finally, jumping up and bouncing on Oprah's couch----nice exuberance (if you're Aaron Carter). In fact, you bring up the point in the EW article that you jump up and down when you read a script. And you know we have noticed you jump up and down. You also have noticed you jump up and down. So everyone knows. Now stop it. (Said with love, Tom!!!)
All of the things listed so far can be chalked up to dealing with some lingering insecurities, which we artistic types are prone to now and again.
You remember I have done some stage work around the Kansas City area, right? Right? Hmm, I need to send you some tapes, then. By the way, isn't Scientology supposed to help you with emotional issues? (Not problems, Tom, issues...big difference...wink wink)
While I am thinking about it, I did consider getting a "Free Katie Holmes" T-shirt, just for the irony, but decided to donate to the Howard Speaks for Me campaign instead. Hope you (both) understand. (Aside to Katie, the only reason I
didn't watch Dawson's Creek was it was opposite something else. Anything else. Kidding, sweetie, you are a doll. Are you seriously
a virgin? That is so unique, I mean for your celebrity, you know....)
In case someone else from my office writes you, I am sure they were joking when I, in complete jest, asked "Is anyone else JUST SICK of Tom Cruise?"
and they replied in unison.... "I AM!"
It would be remiss of me not to mention your recent work, even though you haven't mentioned mine. I know, "Bitter, party of one..". But you're on the magazine covers, not me. So, let's see:
1. The Last Samurai.
I didn't see it. Maybe if you would have called it "Shogun". I like remakes! (Doesn't mean I will go see War of the Worlds...I give no guarantees.)
2. Minority Report.
Saw it. Not bad. Weird ending. They gave you suitably tight pants.
3. Mission Impossible
Didn't see it. Sorry. Remember the series fondly from my childhood, though!
4. Mission Impossible II
Was afraid I wouldn't understand it after missing MI 1. You understand.
5. Eyes Wide Shut
Didn't see it until it came on cable. Which is good, because if I'd paid a dime extra for that I would have been royally pissed. I literally forced myself to stay awake to the end, thinking it would eventually make sense. You were in it, did you understand it AT ALL?
6. Magnolia
Ditto. (Was the "respect the cock" speech supposed to be funny, because it made me laugh).
7. Interview with a Vampire
Love the story, love Anne Rice. You didn't look comfortable as Lestat. Were you comfortable?
The make-up looked itchy. Was it?
8. Vanilla Sky
Bad promos. I gave that one a wide berth. Did it do well in Europe?
Anyway, you can offer me your critiques anytime, turnabout is always fair play. I hope my insights on all of the above are useful in some small way
to you.
One time a few years ago, I saw this soap opera actor (from "General Hospital" I think) who was in Kansas City in a "professional" theatre production. Steve somebodyorother. And he was short..I mean dwarfishly so. And tanned like a wallet. Weird, huh? By the way, I am 6'3"...how tall are you?
Take care, buddy!